Dumping On the Needy (a rant)

A word to the wise: there are about 7 billion people on the planet and none of them have the exact same personality or character. That’s pretty much why I don’t have a ‘type’ when it comes to dating. However, there are characteristics that I don’t like, and I don’t mean physical characteristics. But I hear one characteristic in particular from my friends and people in passing that people get dumped over all the time: neediness.

Excuse me, but did you just dump someone because they want to be with you? Because they want you to know everything about them? Because they want you to be with them too? And because they want to do thing with you?

Now, don’t take this the wrong way. If someone’s being threatening, stalker-esque, overly obsessive etc. (all of which are open to personal interpretation) by all means break up with the person, but don’t dump someone because they might be a little clingy. There are people who have pretty shady pasts. Maybe a lot of people have left them before. Maybe there were a lot of people with commitment issues. Maybe they’re insecure. Sometimes a person’s gotta be needy; sometimes a person needs a little extra attention to feel loved and desired. It doesn’t mean that they’ll be like that all the time. And if they are, then what are you doing to make them feel that acting clingy is the only way they can get attention.

You really shouldn’t necessarily dump someone for being needy. Perhaps you could first state that the amount of clinging is uncomfortable, but, personally, I don’t see a problem with some clinging. It at least shows a person that there’s one person who’s willing to be with you 24/7 if you let them. That there’s one person who wants to know all about your day and shower you with affection. The ones who love you tend to suffocate you a lot, but isn’t that when you go out with your friends or try a group activity instead? There are ways of alleviating the suffocation without trashing the person’s heart and feelings. There are ways of being nice about it.

But if you basically dumped someone just because he/she was ‘too needy’ and you ‘value your freedom,’ then are you really looking for a relationship or just a good time?

I would rather have a lifetime of needy then a moment of ‘just a good time.’

Validation

Whether they’re willing to admit it or not everyone wants validation. Physical validation, emotional validation, mental validation, aural validation, visual validation,etc.–most people like some sort of hint that their existence matters to somebody somewhere, that they are accepted and loved. One could link this to psychology and self-esteem or philosophize about the human need for connection (intimate or otherwise). One could also look at it biologically, but why not look at it in terms of happiness since that is the way most people make decisions (whether or not something will bring pleasure pain etc.).

My father told me that a good way for me to find tangible happiness was to join a local church near my college and work in the nursery; he said children give happiness because all they want/need is love and attention and care. In short, children need validation, and giving validation would involve me in another person’s life and bring me happiness in return.

One may validate another platonically, but how does that work in a romantic relationship? Because if a miniature adult actively seeks and requires validation doesn’t the adult as well?

Well, a relationship is a partnership, a basic agreement that the two will attempt to fulfill the needs (whether they be emotional, physical, mental, etc.) of the other to the best of one’s abilities. It’s a loose agreement and malleable to the relationship and circumstances the couple finds themselves in. As each relationship is based off a different couple dynamic there exists a variety of types of couple relationships, which means that there are a variety of ways that couples validate each other.

Validation is perhaps one of the most important parts of a relationship. It requires a person to trust the other person with a part of their character and affirm it, to express that it is acceptable and awesome and okay. It’s honesty and trust and truth; it’s love. You may validate someone with a hug, by cuddling, saying sweet words, joining him in an activity that he really likes but you normally wouldn’t do, or by taking extra time to do something special for her.  It really only requires one to be able to communicate effectively and its limits are the limits of one’s imagination. It’s a way of trying to make one’s partner happy, content.

Problems occur when messages aren’t received or are simply not being sent. When someone expresses that the other isn’t worth their time, effort, love, etc.–that their priorities are vastly different from your own–how are you supposed to adjust? It’s a heartbreak to be sure when one believes that he/she is not a priority, not important enough. “Could there be something I’ve done wrong? Maybe I’m being too needy? Maybe she needs space. Perhaps he’s just busy.”: the list of statements dictating emotional stress could be endless but they are all saying the same thing–I’m somehow not good enough, there’s something wrong with me.

If one is constantly giving and not receiving (or vice versa because sometimes there are people who have a hard time accepting  validation), perhaps it is time to take a step back, look at the situation, and see what is and isn’t going on. Perhaps it is time to have a conversation with one’s partner and see where one stands.

This isn’t stress you need in your life.The opposite of Love is not Hate but Indifference–to live in constant relation to the object of one’s affection yet fail to move or affect their life, their soul. To feel inadequate.

August: Osage County

Charlie Aiken: Mattie Fae, we’re gonna get in the car and go home. And if you say one more mean thing to that boy I’m gonna kick your fat Irish a** into the highway.

Mattie Fae Aiken: What the hell did you just say to me?

Charlie Aiken: Kids, go outside, would you please? I don’t understand this meanness. I look at you and your sister and the way you talk to people and I don’t understand it. I can’t understand why folks can’t be respectful to one another. I don’t think there’s any excuse for it. My family didn’t treat each other that way.

Mattie Fae Aiken: Oh, maybe cause your family didn’t have…

Charlie Aiken: You better not say anything about my family right now, I mean it! We just buried a man I loved very much. And whatever faults he may have had, he was a good, kind, decent man. And to hear you tearing your own son not even a day later dishonors Beverly’s memory. We’ve been married 38 years and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But if you can’t find a generous place in your heart for your own son, we’re not gonna make it to 39!

 

I went to Family Video to return a movie, and I rented three more: Saving Mr. Banks, Blue Jasmine, and August: Osage County. All three movies have wonderfully talented actresses and actors. I have yet to watch Blue Jasmine, a Woody Allen film. His films are all beautifully crafted and marvelous to watch and I so wanted to make this blog about his film, but I can’t. August: Osage County wins.

Have you ever watched it? You should. You really really should because there’s really no other movie that I can think of, other than Fried Green Tomatoes, that shows what life can really be like. I would mention the film Nebraska, but I’ve never seen it, so I can’t claim to be an authority on it or anything else for that matter. So here’s your final warning: SPOILER ALERT!!!!!

A family that was once nuclear has gone to hell. The girls–Barbara (Julia Roberts), Karen, and . . . the other one, Ivy (?), (I can’t remember her name because I remember them by their actions and their thoughts)– are all trying to get out of their Momma’s house, but they all come back when Daddy, Beverly (Sam Shepard), goes missing. Momma (played by Meryl Streep) is a wonderful character. Called Vi by everybody (even the daughters), she’s a cancer patient with a drug addiction and a knack for either being in hysterics or screaming her reality at her family. The aunt is the sister of Vi and the uncle is the new patriarch of the family. Charles and the “other one” are in a relationship, but Charles is her half-brother not her cousin like everyone thinks. Karen’s fiance is a drug dealer attempting to seduce Barbara’s 14 year old daughter, who tries to act like she’s 20-something. Barbara’s marriage is messed up for only God knows what reason, and their separation is most likely terminal. He loves her, but he can’t live her. And there’s another, younger woman in the picture. Daddy killed himself. The family is left in the suicide’s wake, floundering to find something or someone to hold onto, and the family implodes. Momma is a mean woman, and she is so broken. She is really the crux of the whole movie. Momma spends her whole life pushing people away with cruel words, lectures, sad stories, and horrid actions, but all she wants is connection with somebody. One by one the entire family leaves her after the funeral, unable to cope with her antics. They all leave, and she’s left alone.

This whole movie is riddled with secrets and pain and a family struggling to try and find a way to live when it’s been pummeled and beaten and broken in so many ways and places. Everyone of them comes to the realization that they cannot live like that: They move on; they get out.

I don’t necessarily believe that this movie is indicative of life because it’s so messed up or because the family falls apart etc. The movie connects to life because these people are real. If the actors and actresses were different, if the director and the script had been changed, even by only one person, I don’t think this movie would carry the same meaning. Meryl Streep did a fabulous job; I believe they all did a fabulous job.

People look for comfort in the oddest places, and they try to make sense of life anyway they can. These characters all come together because a funeral demands it, and they throw out on the table everything they are. All of the ugly secrets and dirty realities are exposed. They’re all tired of lying and pretending, though they none of them seemed very good at it. I chose this movie because it’s raw, like life. The characters, their feelings, the setting (the plains of Oklahoma), ; it’s all raw yet very focused, like people can be.

My Cowardly Lion

The Wizard of Oz is a fabulous movie adaptation of the best-selling children’s novel The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum. In the novel (for those of you who don’t know) a young girl is swept off her feet into the fictitious world of Oz where she meets Scarecrow, Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion. All four of these characters embark on a journey through Oz, traveling on the Yellow Brick Road that leads to the Emerald City. On their journey, they discover that they all desire something of Oz, but to earn his favors they must get the Wicked Witch of the West’s broom for him. Each of the four characters receives their favor, and though Dorothy is the main character, her gift is not the most interesting. Scarecrow asks for a brain. Tin Man wants a heart. The Cowardly Lion asks for courage. Even more interesting is that each of the characters is given a useless item that could qualify as fulfilling their requests, but it’s their new focus on their desires that allows them to gain their wishes.

These 3 characters (Scarecrow, Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion) are all personalities that I associate with one person: my brother, Nicklaus. As the oldest, he has always felt the weight of responsibility, trying to live up to expectations real and imagined (though I believe the majority of them are imagined). He was active in school in different organizations, he played trombone (and was very good) for the band and pit band, he was in Purple Pride (a leadership organization), played Varsity football and wrestling, and always made time for friends and family.

Nick was my best friend. He listened to me, understood my problems, and helped me with homework. Where I was awful at Calculus and chemistry, he excelled, but he always felt he was stupid. Maybe this is because he was denied membership to our NHS because he missed qualifying by 0.003 GPA points every time. Maybe it was because of our parents. Maybe it was because he wasn’t apart of many honors courses and was later rejected from the engineering program he so very much wanted to be a part of. No, Nick never really had it easy when it came to things like writing or art, but he was very logical and linear in his thinking and reasoning. I love him so much, and I for all his academic “failures” I know that he’s no Scarecrow, that he has a brain and doesn’t need to wish for one.

Nick isn’t the Tin Man either, though he might like to pretend he is. He never thought he was good enough for anybody. He used to ask me how I did it, how I got members of the opposite sex to like me. I would just look at him and tell him he was crazy because no one at our school ever liked me. Nick would spend hours working out a week so he would look fit and appear the wholesome, perfect male specimen. Of everything he could want, I believe Nick just really wanted someone to like him. He bounced from girl to girl, never really finding someone who would give him attention in a relationship. He gave them everything; he spent money on them, took them out, talked with them for hours, and even risked our parents’ wrath to go see them. But they would never try to enjoy our family or come over here. They failed to understand how important his family was to Nick, and they failed to see what it was that Nick really wanted. Nick has never suffered from lack of a heart; he has only ever lacked having a person worthy of sharing his heart with.

My parents do not play favorites. That’s why they didn’t let Nick take the car with him to college; it’s why my other brother, Alex, doesn’t have the car either. Nick has basically had to earn everything he has. As a result, he no longer will ask for help, and he will no longer to talk to my family. . . But I don’t think that’s the whole story.

I often wonder what he’s doing. I wonder if I show up at his girlfriend’s house asking to talk with him if he’ll tell her to slam the door in my face or if he would actually want to come to my graduation. Nick is my cowardly lion. I know he wants someone to spend the rest of his life with, and I know he’s sick of being alone. Even though he’s still searching for someone to share his heart with, he’s afraid to leave someone who isn’t good for him. He’s afraid to leave someone who hates his family. He is my cowardly lion, and I love him to death for it. I’ve never known someone to go out of his way to help me as much a Nick has done for me. He tries so hard but every relationship before this one has failed, and he won’t leave her.

I choose to seek him out every once in a while, just to see if he’s answered my texts yet or messaged me on Facebook. Every day I hope that he’s finally found his courage because even the Cowardly Lion rose up and conquered his fears.

“Putting people down to make oneself feel better,
is a cowardly version of confidence.

…Love others for whom they are,
Love yourself for what you could be”

— The Cowardly Lion

Help Wanted: Love Expert

   The perfect love story is pure fiction. Guy meets girl, girl and said guy fall in love. They marry and have a bunch of kids. Happily ever after, right? Wrong. Step out of the movie theater; put down the novel, please. Your applause needs to stop when the curtain falls because that “aww” moment is gone. What Disney and all of the fairy tales and novelists and short story writers of today like to skim over is this: There will be fights. You will almost never totally agree on anything with your significant other. The physicality is never as you expect it to be. The target audience of the movie or book or story isn’t necessarily who should be exposed to the material. There will be bad days interchangeable with the good, and you will most likely only remember the bad when an argument arrives. Cheating does happen, and your fate will be decided by the person you cheated on. And the list continues.

   What everyone fails to tell everyone else is that there are a million and one rules about love. Hopefully this blog could clear some issues up for anyone.

 1) I won’t pretend that I know everything there is to know about relationships or the perfect love story or that perfect person who is right for each one of you. All I know is that love is difficult to wrap my head around. For the sake of comprehension the person I’m dating in this example is Figure A and the other person is Figure B. No one ever told me that I could love more than one person at the same time. If so, then is that cheating? Or is it only cheating when I become physically involved with the Figure B when I’m in a relationship with Figure A. Does Figure A have the right to break up with me if he finds out I love Figure B? What happens if this somehow ends up like Twilight (of all the ridiculous, messed up “love stories” to feel a connection with) and I love Figure A more than Figure B, but I feel empty without Figure B in my life? . . . That’s confusing, right?

   Love doesn’t come with an instruction manual. There’s only one clear rule: Don’t break anyone’s heart.

2) Movies cause more problems when it comes to love then they might actually be worth. As a little girl, I was very impressionable; it comes with the territory. Disney was (and still is!) my hero. I could quote movies for you and sing “A Whole New World” and “Part of Your World” for you right now if we were to see each other face-to-face. However, those movies have their faults. Most people are familiar with the play “Romeo and Juliet,” by William Shakespeare. How many of you felt that it was a little far-fetched for Romeo and Juliet to get over their prejudices and fall so “deeply in love” that they were ready–at the ages of approximately 13 and 20-something–to kill themselves instead of living life without each other. With a few exceptions, Disney movies constantly are telling men and women that life isn’t complete without a partner; however, impossible standards are also being set. Ladies, Prince Charming is not going to come rescue you on a white horse. Prom night is not going to go 100% according to plan and neither is your wedding. Not everyone is meant to look that blonde, that tiny, or that perfect all the time, so please, stop feeling like there is something wrong with you or your partner because you two don’t live up to expectations that have been existing in your brain since you were 3 and compounded upon since the first romantic comedy you ever saw. Men aren’t perfect. Gentlemen, stop waiting for the perfect one, and if you use the “good guy” theory then that’s a sad excuse. If you were really a good guy, then you wouldn’t be making her feel awful for not dating you when she’s told you again and again she’s not interested. See that girl over there? She may not be busty with a small waist and long legs, but I bet you she could make you happy. So what are you waiting for?!

3) You can’t let love rule your life. The whole “follow your heart and your head will follow” thing doesn’t work. That’s too idealistic and maybe it’s worked for some people, but for the majority of people it will fail. I’m sorry if that sounds really harsh, but the idealism in that statement is a bit too treacle for me. When you let love and all of its complications and mess pervade every instinct, thought, meal, nap, shower, study session, basketball game, field trip, jog, work-out, business meeting, bike ride etc. it becomes messy and disruptive. There needs to be a moment where you can separate yourself from the person or thing you love and say: “This is me.” There are three identities in every relationship: You, the object of your affection, and your combined personality as a couple. Yes, you can choose to be lovey-dovey in public and share a piece of apple pie decorated with whipped cream, but please tell me that you have activities you do alone you actually enjoy. Love can cause some anxiety and stress; it comes naturally with the territory but take a step back and analyze your situation. Are you currently not talking to people who you still claim as close friends? Are these people actively avoiding you when you’re seen with your significant other? Are his/her friends seemingly constantly angry with you because he/she is spending all of their time with you? There is such a thing as a healthy amount of time spent away from your partner. If you let love consume you, the end result will only be incredibly messy if things end badly. I’m not saying prepare for the worst; I’m saying that with all its unpredictability you need to be able to make yourself happy not just as a couple but as an individual.

     There is no recipe for perfect love. It’s a collage of you and your partner, but what I do know is this: when two people really love each other, they make it work. All of the awful and good melds together to form something wonderful. What everyone has to figure out is what variation of the recipe works best for them.